Who are The Old Lady and the Purple Dragon?

Let’s start with the story of the Purple Dragon: the time came for me to flee my emotionally abusive partner, who in an attempt to limit my freedom had sold the car I had been allowed to drive.  I needed wheels.  The amount of money I had to spend was very small and I don’t know anything about vehicles, and I was concerned that I could be easily duped by a used car dealer.  So I prayed a very specific prayer: “Please Lord, help me find a Ford Ranger pickup truck – purple! – that I can afford.”  I figured that when I found the vehicle that fit those specifications right down to the color, I would know that it was the vehicle for me.  I did find that truck and I named her the Purple Dragon, in symbolic gratitude.

And I am The Old Lady.  After I got my wheels and fled my rural home to the nearby city of Valdosta, I started writing a column about live local music for the downtown street rag The Glass Onion.  I went to a dive bar called Ashley Street Station that featured live local bands, where I soon realized that I was the oldest person in the room.  So I claimed my status, took ownership of my age, and dubbed myself The Old Lady.

I may not be the stereotypical old lady… my hair is naturally graying, not blue rinsed; I still have a taste for Devo and Alice Cooper; and I am embroiled in a torrid new love affair… but I am The Old Lady, and I am learning more and more about how to be an old lady.

Here are some things you should be ready for as you grow older:
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Whiskers.  I don’t mind gray hair or wrinkles, but the whiskers drive me crazy.  When I told that to my gay buddy Rex, he cackled “Yours?  Or hers?”  At any rate, my advice to women who plan to live past middle age is to invest in a good pair of tweezers.

Hot flashes.  If you suddenly think “who turned up the heat in here?” then you are probably having one.  Rethinking them as power surges is fine during the daytime, but at night these can really interfere with a good cuddle.  I have found that Evening Primrose Oil is very efficacious in reducing hot flashes and night sweats.

Leg cramps.  These tend to strike without warning at night, and can be so intensely painful that even though getting up and walking around can help sometimes it is simply impossible to stand let alone walk.  Even more annoying, they tend to hit at crucial moments with your lover.  The most effective preventative I have found is to drink tonic water at bedtime.  I apologize for a shameless commercial plug, but Fever-Tree Tonic Water is the only tonic water I have found that does NOT contain high fructose corn syrup.  Some Publix grocery stores carry it, or at least can special order it for you; you can also order it through Amazon.

Here’s the bottom line, ladies: don’t fight aging.  Embrace your age!  Claim your Old Ladyhood!  Moving from Maiden to Crone is inevitable, but you don’t have to give up any of the fun of being a Maiden as you grow into the wisdom of being a Crone.

As the late great baseball player Satchel Paige said, “Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”